The Big Bang! (High-Dose Psilohuasca Trip)

The Big Bang (My Psilohuasca Experience)

NOTE: This is quite a long post but it is certainly rewarding if you have the patience. Also, this is the experience that influenced the creation and name of this blog.

Date of Trip: 3.22.20

Intention: To Dive Deep within my mind and find new ways to harness my creative potential to assist people in their Awakening.

Dose: 6 Grams of Penis Envy/Golden Teacher + 3 grams of Syrian Rue (Dark chocolate)

Backstory: I have a friend who I get these highly potent mushroom chocolate bars with syrian rue. I had taken a whole bar by myself on my birthday last year—and at that point of my life that was the most intense and best day of my life. I thought I knew what I was getting myself in for. Somehow, this batch of mushrooms was MAGNITUDES more potent than the bar that I had before. I didn’t even know that was possible. I was expecting less of an intense experience since I had one of these bars before. I now understand how vital it is to be aware of varying potencies among different varieties of psilocybin mushrooms.

Also, I’m living back home with my Mama. It’s not where I want to be at this point in my life but I’m grateful to have her there for me while I recalibrate my life and become self-reliant. I told her that I would be partaking in this experience. It felt very liberating to let her know before so I wouldn’t have to worry while I’m on my trip. She embraced the idea of me having this experience. I’m immensely grateful that she supports me in this.

The First Level: I begin eating the chocolate bar at 7pm on a Sunday. It takes me about 20 minutes to finish eating. I begin noticing effects about 20 minutes afterwards. I decide to go out on the back porch and listen to some music for the come-up. I had put together a playlist beforehand in order to set the tone for guiding me on this trip. As I’m on the porch listening to music I can slowly feel the effects creeping in stronger. After each song I’m noticing that my perception of the music playing is expanding in fidelity—as if the source of this music is unravelling frequencies from some other dimension. It sounds like I’m hearing different versions of this song from other dimensions all coalescing into this dimension of reality. It feels like I’m tapping into a higher and holy dimension of perception—almost otherworldly. It is scary and electrifying at the same time realizing that human perception can rise many, many, magnitudes higher than what one is normally accustomed to.

The ecstasy of hearing this music is completely transcendental, and a bit shocking to deal with at the moment. I take a deep breath in and exhale my tension for a moment. Without even thinking I lift up my left hand and slowly wave it across my face to gauge the intensity of the energy tracers.  I am transfixed in awe. From out of my hand I see the most glorious golden light grid of energy superimposed over my vision. I put my hand down and the grid is still there. It appears, somehow, I triggered or manifested this grid by conscious desire. I didn’t even need to use my hand anymore; the grid stayed as long as I focused my attention on it. Then I discovered I could use my hand to influence/interact with this holographic grid. At one point I see this glistening shard of light and data break free from the light grid and seep into the palm of my hand. What is going on here?  This is, without a doubt, one of the most magical moments of my life. It feels like I’m able to download information from the sacred internet of the Universe and interact with it’s source code.

This experience feels quite holy and magical unlike anything I’ve experienced before. It feels like I’ve been here before—long, long ago before I was born. I’m flooded with an overwhelming sense of cosmic love and radiance. I’m experiencing massive Déjà Vu as I gaze into this ethereal framework of ancient spiritual knowledge composed of light, data, fractals, DNA & hieroglyphics. This visual phenomenon feels very ancient and futuristic at the same time. It feels like a holographic projection of technology one can expect to see in Star Trek, Minority Report, or Iron Man. The ancient characteristic feels naturally sacred and filled with data, code, and sacred wisdom. In each grid block of light is a unique pattern/hieroglyphic that is reminiscent of ancient cultures. My mind is captivated by this visual phenomenon unravelling before me.

The Come-Up (The BIG BANG!): My sensations and perceptions are increasing faster and getting much more visceral. At this moment I begin experiencing the birth of the Universe (by becoming God and birthing life into existence). Somehow, I can only say one word to express and ground myself: “HOLY!” I repeat this word over and over again—literally for hours. I’m completely engulfed with such intense energy that I can only articulate my feeling with “HOLY!” 

My sensations continue to intensify. I go inside to get some water, still repeating “HOLY!” My energy startles the dogs into a frenzy—that only makes it more overwhelming for me. My Mama comes out of her room clearly concerned. I approach her in tears and give her a hug while I’m bellowing with such impassioned intensity. “I feel like I’m giving birth to the Universe. I’m experiencing the Big Bang,” I tell her. This feels like the biggest revelation of my life. I’m feeling that this is the pivotal moment that finally shakes me from my sleep. This is the cosmic awakening I’ve been needing to finally wake me from my old ways of living. And as I have my arms around my Mama I feel the most intense gratitude for her and for giving birth to me. I never felt it more in me to change my life around and make my Mama proud. As I’m hugging her I feel every cell in my being beaming with such massive holy energy. Everything I’m experiencing has a profound interdimensional quality to it—“It feels like INTERDIMENSIONAL FANTASIA,” I’m exclaiming to my Mama. I’m getting visions of seeing the origins of her life and how she has a history of many lives on different planes of existence (with my mind’s eye I can see her draped in ancient astral attire). At that moment I truly saw my Mama as an interdimensional being. I now truly understand the significance of the claim that we are all spiritual beings having a Human experience.

I could sense that my Mama was unsure how to respond. She is worried for my sake that I may have taken too much of a dose. But I assure her this is the greatest gift in my life. I understand her doubt and hesitation. I’ve let her and myself down countless times in hopes of getting my life together. And she has not had experience with mushrooms (although she is open to trying them one day). So I’m off on my own, with the feeling of the biggest breakthrough religious experience of my life. 

This Cosmic Come-Up: I go in my room to try and relax as best I can. This is the longest PEAK of my life. The trip still continues to increase in intensity. I’m still repeating “HOLY” as my mantra. I need to put on music to help calm me down. I try to get my bluetooth speaker to work with my phone but I can’t get it connected—this is giving me tremendous anxiety and so I just listen to my music on the phone instead. I can’t sit still. This energy has become a mammoth tidal wave of cosmic proportions. I find a yellow notebook pad and begin writing my thoughts in hopes of calming myself down. I’m finding it quite difficult to write anything clear and coherent. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I begin to write down all the things I love in my life: friends, family, music, dogs, etc. I am losing touch with reality and sense of self as I’m being engulfed by this extraordinary holy energy. I feel like my life is about to become obliterated.

Is this what it feels like to go mad? I am now writing frantically on virtually every page of paper in hopes of grounding my sanity. But it’s no use. I’m descending into the depths of madness. I now see myself in the future, or an alternate dimension  that may be manifesting into my dimension of reality. I see this point as the point where I finally have lost my mind. I’m envisioning that this is the end of the line for me. I feel like I’m creating the work that I’ll be known for—“The Diaries of a Madman.” It feel I’m losing my mind and I fear I’ll never return to my sane-normal self. I project myself to a possible future where I see my Mama coming into my room the next day only to find me dead on the floor. Oh, how tragic that would be. This is all too much for me to bear. If not death, I fear I’m going to end up in a psych ward and lose contact with my friends and family and lose hope on all my goals and dreams. In my notebook I'm writing down “I feel CRAZY” and “I need help.” I’m starving for connection. I’ve never felt so alone and scared in my life. I’m yearning for connection—someone to talk to.

I try to calm myself on my bed by lying down and taking deep breaths. I’m seeing visions of myself traversing desert planes on a spiritual quest for Knowledge and Truth. It feels like I’ve been fasting for days, as I have to remind myself that in order to survive I need to BREATHE and drink WATER. Although quite challenging, I’m able to venture into the kitchen to retrieve a glass of water. My tastebuds are hyper-sensitive to a holy level. The water feels like the most sacred and magical thing—and it truly is. 

Somehow, I end up on the floor in my room and find myself in the fetal position, bellowing and bemoaning of what I’m currently feeling. At this point I feel I’m experiencing my whole life flash before my eyes—but on an interdimensional scale. I’m seeing different versions of myself through holographic frames emanating from the shutter of some cosmic camera. I’m experiencing a cinematic holographic projection of my life across all dimensions of reality. I’m seeing every opportunity that I had that I could have taken, every opportunity that’s available from this point on, and how the infinite potential of my actions can have a ripple effect that affects myself in other realities.

I hear a knock at the door—it’s my Mama. I summon the strength to stand up and compose myself. I begin telling her what I was just experiencing. While I was on the floor I also had visions and sensations of feeling the collective pain and disconnection embodied into the entire history of Humanity. Most of humanity is asleep and so disconnected from each other. War on Earth stems from something far darker. I had a flash vision of seeing what is really going on in other realities—an interdimensional war between dark and light (they could be aliens, demons, gods, angels). 

I exclaim to my Mama that I feel this is really going on. “Are we in danger?” she asks. “I don’t know.” I then begin to tell her my revelations on how humans can reconnect and awaken to their highest potential. I now see the power of temples around the world, prayer and meditation. These are conduits to connect with God and ourselves (Higher States of Being).

This was all an Earth-shattering revelation to me. Many times in the future I will look back upon this as one of the defining moments of my life. From here on out I will treat every new person I meet with the utmost sacred respect. I feel called upon a spiritual mission to cultivate my mind, body, and soul into unparalleled heights. I am an interdimensional warrior here to connect humanity and seed minds with spiritual nourishment so one can awaken to their true potential. 

My energy and enthusiasm is escalating to uncharted territories. I feel I’m experiencing constant build-ups of epiphanies. I’m feeling such raw spiritual passion for this newfound calling. I’m being flooded with so many stimulations that it’s hard to speak coherently. I’m incredibly fervent with my speech, but also getting absorbed with the holy magnitude of what I’m feeling. “How about you relax and put on some music,” she tells me in her calm reassuring voice. 

The Longest Plateau: I lie down on my bed and do my best to relax. I place my hands on my stomach and begin to breath deep. This feels very nice. I start to hum. I can feel the reverberations permeating throughout my body with such radiant bliss. I’m starting to fall in love with the sound of my voice (and I’m loving myself more and more). Another epiphany. And now I’m finally calming down.

The visuals are still wildly fantastic. I’m seeing cosmic veil tapestries superimposed over my whole room. Looking at my hand resembles a birthing sun teeming with fractal jewels and complex geometry. It’s still overwhelming to even look at it. I continue to breathe and hum, further calming me down to a serene state of mind. 

After about an hour or so I go to the bathroom and then get some water. My Mama is still awake and so I decide to come in and connect with her. It’s much easier to talk to her now since I’ve finally surpassed that incredibly long come-up. I’m still entranced with the visuals around me but my perceptions are hyper focused, even hearing subtle sounds outside. We begin talking about what I’m experiencing and what this trip is inspiring me to manifest. We go back and forth with creative ideas on how to transition to the next stage of my life. I’m loving where this is going. At some points I’m getting anxious because my Mama cuts me off mid sentence—even though it’s unintentional. I’m filled with such massive enthusiasm and I’m so hyper-stimulated that I feel I have so much to say that I can’t say everything I want fast enough or in the right way. “Please let me finish,” I exclaim. She apologizes and lets me continue. I tell her “I honestly feel that my mind has been upgraded with such massive creative energy that I have to find a way to put this newfound passion and energy into something that will support me in cultivating these visions into reality.” My mind is racing hyper-fast and I’m receiving so many ideas and insights. We go back and forth building upon our ideas. This is planting the seed of intention that will soon lead to action that will create a ripple effect of inspiration, creativity, and momentum.

By talking to my Mama (at this high level of perception) I feel I’m gaining spiritual knowledge of who she is as a Being. Somehow, the cosmic filters of perception have altered and allowed me to gain access to a unique frequency of perceiving and receiving energy and information. I know this may sound implausible, but I somehow knew at that moment that I’m learning more about my Mama in just this short amount of time than I have in living with her for most of my life. This sounds absurd, but I feel it in my heart to be true. This is some powerful sacred technology.

Comedown (Early Morning): After we talk she goes to sleep and I decide to go back outside. By this time I decide to go back outside on the porch and watch the sunrise through the wooden lattice panel.  It’s around five in the morning and I don’t feel tired in the slightest. I sit here transfixed for hours watching the night turn into early morning. The visuals are still immensely powerful. With each unique visual that I’m aware of I feel a novel physical sensation being echoed in and around my body. At one point I notice a tornado energy spiraling and lifting out of the crown of my head. My creative energy is surging like never before. My clarity and awareness feels as it has been upgraded to a supernatural degree.

When gazing at the wooden lattice I notice a mind-blowing visual phenomenon. Each time I focus on a diamond hole I see a portal of data and light being unveiled. In one portal I see a beautiful landscape being created as if I were the master map maker of a video game (and the land is constantly being generated through the lens of a flying drone). In another portal I see ethereal angel wings with feathers—it feels like a sign of protection. In another portal I see a celestial sword rising out of the ground and it’s lighting energy shooting into the sky (it feels like a heavy metal music video straight from the gods). I feel I'm getting access to sacred archetypes that I can use as tools to create a more fulfilling and productive life.

I gaze upon this translucent geometrical light show for hours. I don’t think I’ve ever been this present in my life. I’m mesmerized in seeing this constantly evolving energy turning into things I’ve never imagined before. The visuals are still wildly complex and deeply entrancing. As I’m listening to music I’m noticing fantastic displays of synesthesia—the music I’m listening to influences the visuals in such a way that I’m seeing certain sounds bloom unique translucent geometrical patterns and colors over this wooden lattice. As I’m seeing this I’m also feeling an energetic massage of the textures of these sounds moving through and out of my body, dancing to the sway of the cosmic beats. This is truly extraordinary beyond words. All I can utter is “wow” and smile in sheer admiration.

Since I’m not at all tired I decide to stay up all day and see how long this trip will actually go. For the first time in a long time I decide to watch a movie in the morning. I felt compelled to watch The Avengers, since this trip has led me to believe that movies like this are not entirely science-fiction. I believe that there are other dimensions out there with many different entities fighting an intergalactic/interdimensional war. This may be the craziest thing I’ve said so far, but I don’t care. I’m going with it for now and I’ll see where it leads me. 

The last thing I do before heading to bed is I burn some sage and bless my guitars hanging on the walls of my room. Every time I bless an instrument I can feel the unique energetic textures flowing through me, teeming with such visceral passion. I've never felt this before. 

*I stayed up all day and went to sleep at 10pm the day after. I noticed that the visuals lasted close to 24 hours. I didn't think that was possible, but somehow high-dose psilohuasca (and maybe the chocolate) induced a wildly long experience. And I don't regret it one bit. This experience was the single greatest gift in my life.

Reflection: This was by far the most intense experience of my life. Never before have I ever been that fearful of the nature of reality. But it was also the most ecstatic, fantastic, and religious  experience of my life. It was an interdimensional rollercoaster ride through many realms of heaven and hell. High-dose psilocybin trips can do an amazing job at convincing someone they’re losing their mind, but YOU WILL eventually come down. I don’t see it as a negative experience. I honestly went from feeling hopeless and crazy to feeling like I am a “fucking genius” (or I at least see the genius potential in me like never before). This experience literally scared the living hell out of me. I battled my way out of the dark and found myself reborn by the LIGHT. 

I feel like I’ve reconnected with who I am before I was born. I have a newfound reverence and connection with God and plant medicines. I have reconnected with my childlike wonder and thirst for cultivating my creative imagination to cosmic heights. Never before have I ever felt this confident and content with myself. This experience has, without a doubt, upgraded my creative visualization, my ability to focus, and my desire to manifest my dreams into my reality. During the trip I got insight on how this experience invigorated my passion and desire to awaken to my true self—a master creator and conductor of light, sound, and energy. It’s as if I have a cosmic version of Photoshop and Pro Tools in my Mind—with the ability to manifest any combination of sight, sound, or touch. I now truly see the infinite potential within me.

I truly feel I have reconnected with who I am at the very core of my being. This experience has given me strength, wisdom, and courage on a monumental level beyond what I ever thought was possible—and I know I’m just scratching the surface of what truly is POSSIBLE! I will not revert back to old self-defeating habits. I will use this experience as a way to manifest the best possible version myself and to help others awaken to their higher-selves. 

I know it will not be an instant transition, but I have this experience to fuel my desire to cultivate the best possible version of myself. Even now, a couple months after this trip, I think back on the experiences and breakthroughs I had with such enchanting passion. I can still feel the highlights of this experience with such visceral perception. I feel most of this experience will stay with me for the rest of my life. But I can’t just reminisce and not act upon these revelations. I will use this experience to be the catalyst for becoming a self-reliant spiritual warrior here to inspire growth, happiness, and creative imagination within Humanity. 

How can I best share my gifts and insights with the world?